


Memos from the Oblong Office

by ineffablesheep



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: (but I ship them), 25th of May, Alcohol, Ankh-Morpork City Watch, Cheery/Angua if you squint, Clacks, Cripple Mister Onion, F/M, Feegles will steal anything and everything including Hogswatch gifts, Fun Run, GNU Terry Pratchett, Gen, Hogswatch, Holiday aftermath, Humor, I ship Sybil/Vimes/Vetinari ever so slightly; sorry if it shows a bit, Inspired by Memos From Q Branch, Moist likes to push his luck, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sybil tries to take Vimes on holiday, The People's Revolution of the Glorious Twenty-Fifth of May, Trains, Wizards causing chaos always involves a giant squid, Wizards eat like hobbits, betting pools
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-07 18:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3178103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffablesheep/pseuds/ineffablesheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the amazing AviaCarter's "Memos from Q Branch"</p><p>Vetinari is done with everyone (especially Moist) and Drumknott tries his best to keep everyone in line. But really, who thought that an assassin, watchman, an ex-con and a wizard would cause so much trouble? Sybil and Adora Belle really do wonder sometimes</p><p>Everything is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine - with very irregular updates sorry</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Re: Our New Rail System

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Memos from Q-Branch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/909644) by [AviaCarter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AviaCarter/pseuds/AviaCarter). 



FAO: S. Vimes, M. Moist, M. Ridcully, Lord Downey 

From: Lord Vetinari 

Subject: Our New Railway System

Dear all,

In light of the most recent addition to Ankh-Morpork’s transportation system, I am fully aware many citizens have developed an interest in steam and Mr Simnel’s engines.

However, this does not give your employees and students permission to deviate from their duties during work hours to inspect, value, or hang about the yard. Especially in the hopes of a free ride. This includes Sergeant Colon “guarding” the tracks “to make sures no one knicks it.”

Don’t let me detain you,

Lord Havelock Vetinari

\---------

FAO: Lord Vetinari 

From: S. Vimes 

Subject: Sergeant Colon

Sir, 

I’ll have a word with Fred, sir. However no one has stolen any track yet.

Commander Vimes

\---------

FAO: Lord Vetinari 

From: M. Ridcully 

Subject: Re: Our New Railway System

Your Lordship,

You can hardly expect me to be held responsible for the students. They are not upper faculty members so are disciplined by others. Besides, you can’t hault progress and I’m sure what they’re doing is very important in the worlds of wizardry and steam.

Sincerely,

Mustrum Ridcully

\---------

FAO: Lord Vetinari 

From: M. Ridcully 

Subject: Re: Re: Our New Railway System

Your Lordship,

Mr Stibbons informs me that the High Energy Magic building has just been destroyed for the second time this month. I shall remind them they are wizarding students, not engineers.

Sincerely,

Mustrum Ridcully

\---------

FAO: Lord Vetinari 

From: M. Lipwig 

Subject: What’s the problem?

Dear sir,

The post must go! So what if some of the delivery crews chose to ride on the cabin roves or jump on and off from trees and bridges? They only do it because they’re so devoted to their job.

I am assured by the drivers they do not mind them at all.

Cheers,

Moist von Lipwig

\---------

FAO: Lord Vetinari 

From: Lord Downey 

Subject: Re: Our New Railway System 

Dear Havelock,

Does this mean the gild cannot work on or around the trains? Our members are highly efficient and discrete and do not disturb passengers much.

Yours,

Downey

\---------

FAO: S. Vimes, M. Moist, M. Ridcully, Lord Downey 

From: R. Drumknott 

Subject: The train situation

Dear all,

Please control your wizards, students, posties, and such.

Unlicensed assassins are not allowed to be tied to the tracks as punishment. The one trying to steal the track is Corporal Nobbs. Sergeant colon just uses this as an excuse to stand around and chat with him.

His Lordship is highly displeased.

Sincerely,

Rufus Drumknott, Secretary to the Patrician


	2. Re: Palace clerks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What fic would be complete without minions?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally posted 3 and 2 the wrong way around - this should clear the minions bit up!

FAO: S. Vimes, M. Lipwig, Lord Downey, M. Ridcully  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Palace Clerks

Dear all,

They are clerks. They do important work that you yourselves normally don’t, ie YOUR paperwork. Yes I am their immediate superviser. No the are not my minions. It is insulting to them so please use their names.

Sincerely,

Rufus Drumknott, secretary to the Patrician

\--------- 

FAO: R. Drumknott  
From: Clerical staff  
Subject: Re: Palace clerks

Dear sir,  
We are your minions though. You are, after all, the Clerk Overlord. We can even perform a surprise audit if they annoy you too much.

We hope you enjoy your day,

Your Minions

\--------- 

FAO: R. Drumknott  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Rumours

Drumknott,

Is it true that his lordship has a secret army of dark minions that do secret dark clerical work?

Cheers,

Moist von Lipwig

\--------- 

FAO: M. Lipwig, R. Drumknott  
From: Higher Clerical Staff  
Subject: Some questions shouldn’t be asked

Mr von Lipwig,

If we were to exist, do you think we would tolerate being called “dark minions”? We are his Lordship’s clerks, end of story.

Good day,

The Higher Clerical Staff

P.S. – We must admit it’s catchy


	3. Re: Cards Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moist gets the guys together for a game of Cripple Mr Onion. Thank the gods that Vimes and Sybil can be responsible

FAO: M. Ridcully, Lord Downey, R. Drumknott, S. Vimes  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Cards Night

Guys,

As Discused, Cripple Mr Onion at Ridcully’s office is tonight (cause wizards always have good food and alcohol.) Vimes I know you don’t drink so I’ve asked for the ktchen to be stocked with your favourite cigars and coffee.

Cheers,

Moist

\---------

FAO: M. Lipwig  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Cheers

Mr Lipwig,

Thank you for the forethought. See you tonight.

Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: Lord Downey  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Re: I have good alcohol too

Your Lordship,

While your offer to let us use your office is very generous and I’m sure you have excellent alcohol, many people in this gathering have a price on their head. Being surrounded by assassins will not make the evening a relaxed and happy one no matter how much of your alcohol they drink.

Yours respectfully,

Moist von Lipwig

\--------- 

FAO: M. Lipwig, Lord Downey, R. Drumknott, S. Vimes, M. Ridcully  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Card night attendance

Dear all,

Leonard and myself will be attending the get together tonight also. I’m sure you won’t mind. Leonard has created a device to shuffle cards and I am curious to see it in action.

Regards,

Vetinari

\--------- 

FAO: Minions  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: As the only one sober

Minions,

Please bring coffee, pies (not Dibbler’s), and water. They’re in Ridcully’s office. Drumknott is in the filing cabnit if you need him.

Oh, and please bring Vetinari a crossword too.

Vimes

P.S. – how is that man not hung over? Can he even get drunk?

\--------- 

FAO: AB. Dearheart  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: Moist

My dear,

If you want I’ll have Willikins drop Moist home when he goes to pick up Sam. I hear they had a good time, if a little much to drink but I think it’s good that they are getting out and socialising. Sam is impossible sometimes.

Hope you’re well,

Sybil x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel that sometimes Moist can be a wee bit of a dick, he'd also be really polite and thoughtful about other people, especially Sam not drinking


	4. Re: Family holiday

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: Family Holiday

Dear Havelock,

Since our last family holiday turned into a criminal investigation, I have decided to take Sam and our son on holiday to the Ram Tops. I’ve arranged for a month’s stay at a small cottage in Lancre. I hear it’s very lovely this time of year.

Sam has agreed to drop his badge into you a week from now. I expect you to help me make sure he goes on holiday and doesn’t take his work with him. Or find any there for that matter.

I trust you’re doing well, I know this weather plays havoc with your leg.

Yours,  
Sybil

\--------- 

FAO: Lady Sybil  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Re: Family Holiday

Dear Sybil,

Excellent idea, if you’ll pass on the dates to Drumknott I’ll sign off on the leave. Lancre is a lovely place but there are stories about strange goings on up there. Though nothing that the commander could get involved in.

Never the less, I shall have a message sent to the local authorities to have them bar Sir Samuel from any investigations.

Yours,  
Havelock

\--------- 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Urgent cases

Your Lordship,

Do you have any investigations that need urgent attention? Anyone planning attacks against the city? I only ask just in case I’m needed while I’m away.

Commander Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: No

Sir Samuel,

Stop trying to get out of leaving Ankh-Morpork. Do try and enjoy your holiday?

Lord Havelock Vetinari

\--------- 

FAO: Lady Sybil, Lord Vetinari  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: My badge

Morning,

I dropped my badge in with Drumknott this morning, your Lordship. Seeing as you were busy with the Archchancelor and the giant squid I figured it was best not to bother you.

Sybil darling, I’ll be home soon. Just going to check everything is ok at the Watch house one last time.

Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: Re: My badge

Sam my darling,

Don’t get distracted, the coach will be ready soon.

Love,  
Sybil x

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Re: My badge

Commander,

Thank you for your cooperation, do enjoy your holiday.

Lord Havelock Vetinari

\-------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: The Watch  
Subject: Good luck

Good morning sir,

Just wanted to wish you a good holiday with your family. Don’t worry about us sir; we’ll keep everything under control. Detritus’s recruits are coming along nicely and everyone is on high alert and ready.

Have fun,  
Sergeant Angua and the Watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued!


	5. Re: Holiday Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-holiday shenanigans and Vetinari has a crossword problem

FAO: Lord Vetinari, Lady Sybil  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Well that could have gone worse

So when’s the next holiday?

Sybil I’m so sorry,  
Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Not Impressed

Commander Vimes

Only you, badgeless and a week’s travel away from your jurisdiction, only you could get caught up in a plot involving diamond smuggling dwarf gangs and the King of the Fairies. No. You can go on holiday in Ankh-Morpork.

Stop pulling stunts like this or I will detain you,

Lord Havelock Vetinari

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: I know dear

Oh Sam,

You wouldn’t be me Sam any other way. Next tme just let me know if you’re onto something and I’ll warn Drumknott to keep the crosswords on stand-by.

Never change,

Sybil x

PS – off to the palace to calm Havelock down. Can you pick up Young Sam from school?

\--------- 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Future Holidays

Commander Vimes,

As agreed by the Lady Sybil and his Lordship, here are the rules for any future holidays you should take:  
\- IF we let you take your badge you will not pretend to be an undercover diplomatic envoy  
\- Send a clacks the moment you start investigating  
\- Send regular updates  
\- Try not to cause a diplomatic crisis  
His Lordship specifically made sure there was nothing to investigate in Lancre, and you even managed to get around his request that the local authorities bar you from any investigations. Yet somehow you managed to cause chaos again. Do you have any idea how much paperwork my minions are now swamped with?

Rufus Drumknott, Secretary to the Patrician

PS – the Dwarves are demanding you stop using the mark on your arm as an interrogation tactic – its existence is a rumour of course

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry these are so short! They always look so much longer on paper XD
> 
> If my characterisation is off at all, please let me know!


	6. Re: 12th of Mach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Disc reacts

FAO: R. Drumknott, M. Lipwig, M. Ridcully, S. Vimes, Downey  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Sir Terry Pratchett

Dear all,

Given the events of the 12th of March, feel free to have your various employees and “minions” take time off. However, the Disc hasn’t stopped spinning just yet so we and this city shall not stop either.

Regards,

Lord Havelock Vetinari

\--------- 

FAO: Lady Sybil  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Family matters

Dear Sybil,

Please, take care of yourself today and my condolences. 

Sam will need all your love and support, more so than ever right now. I hope Young Sam is coping aright with this loss.

With much grief,  
Yours,  
Havelock

\-------- 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: Re: Family matters

Dear Havelock,

Thank you for your kind thoughts, it hasn’t really set in yet but it will soon.

Please, look after yourself too. You work hard enough as it is and this affects us all. Sir Terry was a huge part of all our lives and you cannot squash grief no matter how much you might not want to feel. You’re a part of this family too.

Sam is in the library with Young Sam, explaining what has happened. He seems to be handling it well so far, I’m going to check on them in a minute. I’ll take good care of them as always.

Do take care,

Sybil

\--------- 

FAO: Lady Sybil  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Re: Re: Family matters

Dear Sybil,

I will do my best but this city does not stop. I would still love to have dinner with the family this Sunday, the city can’t stop that.

Yours,

Havelock

 

\--------- 

FAO: The Watch  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Sir Terry

Morning all,

Please take today easy. We’ll run patrols as per normal but if you need time to yourself then do. The law doesn’t stop we just slow down a little. Angua, I’ll be in at lunch to check on things. I’m staying at home today.

Go safely,  
Commander Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: Groat, Bent, Simnel  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Plan of action

G’day everyone,

First things first, take off anytime you need. If we stop this ity stops so we’re going to carry on but cut it down a little bit.

Mr Bent, I am not versed in the proper care of clerks so I’ll leave them to you. I suggest only open the bank for a couple of hours at lunch so that those with urgent business can sort themselves out.

Mr Groat, slow the mail as much as needed. Keep an eye on Stanley.

Simnel, run the main lines and the long haul routes. Shut down the side branches for a couple of days so that the drivers can swap shifts and take time.

Take care everyone,  
Cheers,  
Moist

\--------- 

FAO: Minions, Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: This is your Overlord speaking

As you know, Sir Terry Pratchett has died. You will all take the day off and we will have biscuits and tea in Lower Meeting Room 4 and file last month’s financial reports. Bring your own paperclips.

After all, the only other certainty in life is taxes.

Your Overlord x

\--------- 

FAO: N. Nobbs  
From: F. Colon  
Subject: Hey Nobby

Theres sum lilac in your llocker for you. Mister Vimes came in at lunch weering sum and gave us spriggs to.

Fred.

P.S – I herd you singing erlier

\---------  
FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: GNU Terry Pratchett

Main trunk line;

Launch: GNU_Terry_Pratchett ASAP.  
Initiate small_chain_runoff and send it down the lines

A man’s not dead while his name’s still spoken,

The Smoking GNU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's taken me a while to process Sir Terry's death. Discworld has gotten me through some really rough times and will no doubt get me through many more. Here's my contribution to, well... I hope everyone is coping alright.
> 
> GNU Terry Pratchett


	7. Re: Students

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am writing I promise! I have another chapter that should be up soon too

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Students

Mister Stibbons

What are the students doing? Why is there a giant squid the library? Where did the Bursar go? Will you please get this mess under control before the Pre-Morning Tea Snack?

Archchancellor Ridcully

\---------   
FAO: M. Ridcully  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Re: Students

Morning Sir,

We were testing Hex’s ability to reshuffle the possibilities of Lackburg’s Theorem and figure out the chances of ten students being able to reenter the data using randomly chosen punch cards. Unfortunately, we seem to have used too many goldfish and Hex… um… well…  
Something went wrong.

We’re trying to get the squid back into its own dimension. No one has seen the Bursar but he may be flying.

Sincerely and ever so respectfully,

Ponder Stibbons

\-------- 

FAO: UU Student body  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: DefCon 8

I’m declaring the situation as DefCon 8

Team Capture: Get that squid contained. I’ll have Hex back up online asap and we’ll get it back where it came from. Do not let it damage anything in the library. We don’t want a repeat of the Time With Frogs incident.

Team Repair: Remove the goldfish from Hex and bring me as many ants as you possibly can.

Team Damage Control: FIND THE BURSAR AND FOR THE LOVE OF IO SOME DRIED FROG PILLS.

Six credits to all survivors. Good luck,  
Stibbons

\--------- 

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: TCap  
Subject: Squid problem

Sir, this squid is at least a mile long. What do you expect us to do? Surely this is a job for the Senior Wrangler?

Peace out

\-------- 

FAO: TCap  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Not my problem

You were part of this mess you help deal with it. The Senior Wrangler is at Post Breakfast Snack and is not to be interrupted.

See if Professor Rincewind can convince the Luggage to try and round it up for you

\-------- 

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: TRep  
Subject: Aye aye Captain

Goldfish extraction complete. Ants at the ready. Should we prepare the decorative hats and initialise the rooster?

\--------- 

FAO: TRep  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Good job

Start drip feeding the ants into the Secondary Anthill and have the rooster on standby. Please have a team ready to give compliments.

\--------- 

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: TDmCn  
Subject: about that…

Sir, no confirmed sign of the Bursar but we’re investigating four leads at the moment. All team members are armed with a supply of dried frog pills and old accounts books, should we need to lure him out of where ever he is hiding.

The Librarian is helping us by the way. He’s in the Library researching for books on “How to Train Your Bursar” and battling the squid away from the Restricted section. Kelsy, a third year team member, has gone to give the University’s condolences to Jenkins family.

\---------   
FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: MISTER

STIBBONS

\--------- 

FAO: UU Student body, M. Ridcully  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Today’s DefCon 8

Afternoon all,

Congratulations to all of you who survived today’s crisis.

Well done to Team Capture for getting the squid under control and into a secure location (the canteen) while Hex was being rebooted. Also well done for not letting it eat the Senior Wrangler when he went wandering around looking for where the screams were coming from. Moments of Silence will be held below Old Tom tomorrow morning for those who were eaten or who were too close when the portal to the other dimension was opened and sucked in with the squid. 

Team Repair: your efficiency was an integral part of getting Hex back up and running. Daxone, your compliments were a little crude and tasteless but your ant manipulation made up for it. All of you – please no more rooster puns.

Team Damage Control: you got the Bursar back! For those interested, the Bursar was found hovering like a moth above the Great Candle. TDC successfully lured him down with the help of the Librarian (who has made detailed notes on the best techniques – side note: should we consider creating a proper Bursar control/retrieval team?) and he is now resting and being dosed with dried frog pills on a regular schedule.

May you enjoy your six credits,

Mister Stibbons


	8. Re: Lipwig, dead or alive

FAO: The Watch  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Grievously bodily harm permitted

Von Lipwig. Banned. Permanently. 

Coffee Mug. Gone. 

Find. Him.

Now.

Commander Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Ammendment

Hello all,

To elaborate, Von Lipwig was here earlier and the commander’s mug has gone. Von Lipwig is now barred from the Watch House (until further notice)  
Find the mug, try not to use force unless absolutely necessary.

This is top of the priority list for the day.

Sargent Angua

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Sargent Colon  
Subject: mug

Sargent,

No signn of Mr Lipwig by the Opra house. Havent seen Mr Vimes’ cup eetha

Fred

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Igor  
Subject: Updateth

Thargent,

I’ve spoken to my mate Igor at the Lady Thybil and he sayth he hathn’t theen Mister Lipwig in the wards, so I’d say none of uth have ofund him or sir’s mug yet.

Still waiting to hear back from thome other friends, Igor, Igorina, and Igor, from around the thity. Igor works on the trackth so he’s got a good chanth of spotting Lipwig.

I’ll keep you updated,  
Igor

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Detritus  
Subject: tody its hot my fann is broke

Sargnt.  
I sent awll the new recruts ot to find mista lipwig. It’s a trakking exasize. I remindd them ov crosbow safty do not worry.

Segant Detritus

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Captain Ironfounderson  
Subject: Commander Vimes’ cup

Afternoon Angua,

I’ve walked around the city and spoken to trustworthy members of the community who might have seen Mr Von Lipwig today. So far, I haven’t seen him but no doubt we’ll manage a speedy arrest. Have you managed to sniff out any clues? Or is your cold still not well?

Good Luck,  
Yours, Sargent Carrot.  
\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Nobby  
Subject: shades is nada

Sargint,  
I went on patrole in The Shades, just to see if mista lipwig thort he cud hide out theer. Sadly I dint see him or a shyne gold splatta mark so no luck findn Mister Vimes mug.

Are we still on for traffik patrole tamoro?  
Nobby

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Cpl. Swires and co.  
Subject: Arial patrol

Sargent, kept watch on city perimeter. No sign of Lipwig.  
Will return to Watch House to switch to night patrol in an hour and a half if still mug still not found.

Corporal Buggy Swires (and Morag)

\--------- 

FAO: A. Dearheart  
From: Sargent Littlebottom  
Subject: You’ve probably heard the news by now

Evening Ms Dearheart,

Sorry to bother you but have you seen Commander Vimes’ mug? It’s got a picture of a dragon on the side.  
We strongly suspect that your fiancé has wandered off with it, after his meeting this morning with the Commander. He’d really like it back, and he might just go bursar on Moist. Oh, and he’s banned from entering the Watch House, hopefully not permanently but just a heads up.

Thank you,  
Sargent Littlebottom

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Littlebottom  
From: A. Dearheart  
Subject: I have

Sargent Littlebottom,

I have indeed. It’s now sitting on my desk at the Gollem Trust office.  
If I was being generous, I’d say he’s absent minded and didn’t realise he’d done it till afterwards. Otherwise I’d say he wanted to antagonise the Commander.

Thanks for the heads up, and oh, thank you for helping carbon date the golem we found last month. She’s very happy now we know what era her dialect is from.

I’ll pass the mug onto Dorfl next time I see him.  
Yours,  
Adora Belle Dearheart

\--------- 

FAO: M. Lipwig  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Yes I heard

Old habbits die hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's a blog called citywatchnewsfeed on tumblr and they come up with some really neat posts regarding the Watch and one of them tickled my fancy so much I couldn't help but ask them if I could write it. They very kindly said yes :D
> 
> Vimes' message is copied directly from the post, the rest is mine
> 
> http://citywatchnewsfeed.tumblr.com/post/125569585814/from-the-desk-of-the-commander#notes


	9. Re: Angua vs Greebo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was bound to happen eventually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A while back now the wonderful CaptainXeno requested:  
> "I'd love to see some about the watch reports that happen because Nanny Ogg is visiting friends or relatives in Ankh-Morpork and Greebo in his human/rogue form is picking fights with Angua because cats & dogs are cats & dogs no matter what shape they're currently wearing..."
> 
> I hope this is something like what you were looking for :)

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Pon’s Bridge

Sargent Angua,

What in Io's name were you doing!? 

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: What about Pon’s Bridge?

Commander,  
I spotted a man stealing from a cart, and attempted to arrest him. He decided to run so I chased after him. Unfortunately I lost him in the Shades.

I'll submit a proper report at the end of the day.

\---------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S.Vimes  
Subject: You know what about Pon’s Bridge

So you didn't strip half naked under a cart and chase after a man while in your other form. Captain Carrot didn't have to 1) collect your armour 2) find you in a pub bathroom and 3) lend you a shirt.

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Ummmmmmm

Maybe, sir?

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: re: Ummmmmm

I saw the man and I went to arrest him then he ran and I couldn't keep up with him. Halfway across Pon’s Bridge he turned into a cat and I couldn't track him so I changed and carried on while the scent was strong. There wasn't anyone near the cart. I think he must have been some kind of wizard.  
Should I talk to the UU?

\---------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S.Vimes  
Subject: okay

Next time just try and find somewhere a bit more private and make sure Carrot knows where to collect your clothes from. It's hard enough work for you with the criminal population knowing how oil bombs work without adding in the entire city.

Send your report in before you clock off tonight. Thanks.

ps. I'll talk to the UU, I need to speak to the Archancelor about the break in the other week anyway. You really can't prosecute a man even, if he broke in, if he might no longer exist because he was eaten by a dimensionally unstable set of draws.

\---------  
\---------

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S.Vimes  
Subject: pleASE DON'T CHASE SUSPECT CATS WHILE HUMAN  
ANGUA,  
Why were you seen chasing a cat through Pseudopolis Yard today? Please explain.

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: I COULDN’T FIND A PLACE TO CHANGE

Sir,  
It smelt like the man from the other day! Exactly like him! It had the same grey-mixed-with-forest-and-charcoal scent!  
I figured if I could catch it I could talk to it and maybe arrest it.

\-------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S.Vimes  
Subject: I CAN’T SMELL COLOURS

I spoke to Ridcully yesterday and he says that a wizard couldn't transform into an animal by will. Could it belonged to the man and smelt like him. I trust your nose, this is a weird situation.

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Think arse-end of a of an animal that lived in Nobby’s locker mixed with a lot of forest

No no no sir! It was the same person!  
…  
I'm sorry sir. I'll think more next time sir, promise.

\---------

FAO: The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: WANTED: Cat

Everyone,

There's a grey tomcat running around the city wanted in connection with a robbery. The cat smells REALLY bad and is missing chunks out of its ears and an eye. Also wanted, a tall man, well built and with a scar on his face. Last seen wearing all black clothing and an eye patch.

Buggy, if you see ANYTHING send me a clacks. The man and the cat may be the same person

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua, The Watch  
From: Nobby  
Subject: WANTED: Cat

so we arre lookin for a cat-man? or a man-cat?

\--------- 

FAO: Nobby, The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: No, well, maybe

The suspect may be able to turn into a cat. He is not a man-cat or whatever

\---------  
\--------- 

FAO: Our Ned  
From: Nanny Ogg  
Subject: Greebo

Our Ned,

Hav you sean Greebo latelly? The poor wee thing haz ben chassed arownd by a dog and a watchwoman evn. Hes still not yused to this citee life. I keep tellin him, pick up your clothes but wot with the dogs its hard foor him.

Much luv,  
Nanny Ogg

Piss - If I here that youre bad mouthing Our Thomas agin yuoll hav hell to payy yung man

\---------  
\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Cpl. Swires and co.  
Subject: CATMAN SIGHTED

CORNER OF CHAIN WALK AND BODY STREET NEAR THE OPERA HOUSE

\--------- 

FAO: Cpl. Swires and co.  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: THANK YOU

\---------

FAO: S. Vimes, The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Catman now wanted for public indecency

So most of you probably know by now but the Catman is real!

And if you corner the cat, he will turn into a naked man. Please be aware of this, and avoid attempting to arrest him outside of a school or the palace.

Sargent Angua

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Mind filling me in properly

Angua,

You can track down the Catman as long as you keep your focus on your other duties too.

\--------- 

FAO: S.Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Official Report

Commander Vimes,

Based on reconisence provided by Corpral Swires, I made my way to the Opera House to attempt to arrest or at least speak to the Catman. As I approached, I noticed he was in cat form. I tried to speak to him, hoping he woul understand me but he ran when I was a few metres away. I chased him on foot and managed to corner him in a back alley besides the Opera House. I read him his rights and explained why I wanted to talk to him, thinking he might have been foreign. When there was no sign of acknowledgement I moved in to make an arrest. He yowled and then changed forms, and suddenly there was a tall naked man in front of me running back down the alleyway. I was knocked over, hit my head, and by the time I was up and moving he was gone.

Igor says the headache is concusion and won't clear me for full duty for at least a day; which is why I'm not out there after a fresh scent.

Sargent Angua

\-------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Re: Official Report

Angua,

Thanks for that, good to know what we're dealing with. You’ve got to love this city sometimes. Take the rest of the day easy and listen to Igor. Concusion is no joke.

I will not be requesting a sketch artist, unless you managed to get a good look at his FACE.

Commander Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: Corporal Reg Shoe  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: It’s not cause he’s a catman

Reg,

I'm not after him because he is Differently Human, I want to find him because he's now started at least four bar fights, on top of the original theft. And the whole naked-man-running-through-town thing.

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Corporal Littlebottom  
Subject: You know the 4 Fs of the panic response?

Fight, Flight, and Full Frontal XD

Deep down you know you love me,  
Cheery x

\--------- 

FAO: Corporal Littlebottom  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: CHEERY NO

I only looked at his face! I'm almost glad for the concusion...

You better believe it.  
Angua xx

\---------  
\--------- 

FAO: Minions  
From: Dark Minions  
Subject: The Catman

Prentch has started up a betting pool - will the Catman that's defintely not running around not at all no sir, be arrested by the Watch?  
\- Sargent Angua arrests Catman 1:4  
\- another Watchman arrests the Catman 1:10  
\- Catman isn't arrested 4:5

Money to Prentch or Yincy by this friday.

What doesn't kill us should have at least filed its taxes,

Dark minions

 

\--------- 

FAO: Dark Minions  
From: Minions  
Subject: Betting pool

We're in.  
Bet: more of us will be right than you

Peace out,

Minions

\--------- 

FAO: Minions  
From: Dark Minions  
Subject: You’re on

$158.93, a bottle of Nanny's apple cider, and a favour from Otto Chriek (spelling!?)

Like a stunned mullet,  
Dark minions

\--------- 

FAO: Minions, Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: I know about your betting pool

You really shouldn't be betting on the Watch's performance. This is during work hours and is unprofessional.

Anything you can file I can file better  
Your Overlord

PS. $10 on the Sargent

\---------  
\--------- 

FAO: Nanny Ogg  
From: Agnes Nitt  
Subject: Pleese don’t tell me you took Greebo bak to Ankh-Morpork

Nanny,

You now what happend lastt time you took him too the citee! Theres a rumur going arond that theer is a Cat-man runnning lose in the citee and the Wotch are affter him. A woman got of the xpress coach and rekons she saw it, this grey tom jumped ovver a barel and turned into a naked man and caried on runnning. What's happening?

Agness

P.S. pleese get Ned to stop steeling the led off the Opera House roof

\--------- 

FAO: Agnes Nitt  
From: Nanny Ogg  
Subject: Why not?

Of corse he came with me, I coudnt leeve the dear at home, hed get lonley. Hes ben a verry good boy, I cant imagin why the Wotch is affter him, althoh I think he mite have ben in a fight or two.

Well be bak in a cuple of days  
Nanny and Greebo

Piss. Ive had a word with Our Ned, Ive told him about steeling but he's allowd to "borow"  
Pisss. plese give Mista Hewit his sucrose and aqua, hell complayn sumthing awful othrwise.

\---------  
\--------- 

FAO: The Watch, Sargent Angua  
From: S.Vimes  
Subject: The Catman aftermath

So, we haven't seen the Catman for a week now so I'd say it's safe to say he's gone. To recap:  
\- he was defintely involved in at least seven bar fights  
\- might have started four more  
\- Angua is still not known as the Watch Werewolf  
\- the city still doesn't know that the Watch has a werewolf  
\- there was a bit of damage, nothing too major  
\- We need a new sketch artist, our old one retired (I said we weren’t going to get a sketch artist in dammit!)  
\- we didn't arrest the Catman

I'd call that a success

Commander Vimes

\---------  
\---------

FAO: Dark Minions, Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Results

So, betting pool payout:

All those who put money on the Catman not being arrested; well done! See Prentch and divide the pot evenly amongst yourselves. Rest of you, good luck for the next time. Not that there will be one, officially you understand shushhh.

Overall, Dark Minions won, but using Mrs Cake's services is now considered an illegal move.

Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow, dishonour on your late-filed taxes  
Your Overlord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this hasn't been updated since what, late September? And I kinda feel like I need to explain why I update this so irregularly, cause I think it's possibly better that you guys understand once rather than continuously apologising.
> 
> I've been dealing with severe depression and anxiety since the start of high school, and it hasn't been treated up until the end of last year. 2015 I withdrew from university half way through my first year, moved back to live with my parents, and finally found a psych that I worked well with. Any how, I've had absolute zilch motivation for chapters, or to even type up an idea if I had it. This year is kind-of-moving-out-of-home attempt #2 and I'm getting good treatment. Over all, I'm feeling better, so fingers crossed that I'll have the ideas/motivation/ability to update this a little more regularly. No promises, a maybe.
> 
> I love all of you to bits, and really appreciate your patience and the comments you give me xx


	10. Re: Fun Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have done at least two fun runs in my life, and am an expert on fun runs.
> 
> They are not fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this middle of last year and got 200 words in before hitting a road block, before finding it in my notes the other day
> 
> EDIT 1/10/2016: I've gone though and cleaned up my drafting notes, sorry about that!

FAO: city_wide  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Ankh-Morpork City Fun Run

Good morning all;

As you all know, tomorrow is the day of Ankh-Morpork’s inaugural marathon, dubbed a “Fun Run” by its organisers. The races starts at 10:00am outside the Palace and finishes in the same place. I will announce the winners. Mr Drumknott will send you a clacks with the map and the rules shortly. These rules are not to be broken or I am warned that you shall be disqualified.

Mister de Worde and the Ankh-Morpork Times will be providing moment-by-moment coverage.

 

Regards and good luck,

Lord Havelock Vetinari

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: city_wide  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Ankh-Morpork City Fun Run rules  
Attachment: [AMCFR MAP]

Competitors, please pay attention to the following information.

RULES:  
1\. Entry fee is mandatory and must be paid before the run. All proceeds go to the Lady Sybil Free Hospital  
2\. Murder or sabotage are considered illegal within the race  
3\. Do not try to bribe race officials  
5\. Water will be provided at points along the course  
6\. Magic, crossbows, or any weaponry will disqualify you  
7\. Short cuts are not allowed  
8\. Broomsticks, magic carpets, horses, gollem horses, mechanical shoes/contraptions, etc do not count as running or walking  
11\. Spectators are allowed to bet on the race

 

Rufus Drumknott, secretary to the Patrician

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: The Watch  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: The marathon

Morning all,

If you’re running in the marathon today please make sure that Sargent Angua knows that you are and that you’ve paid the donation. No cheating. You can be clever but no cheating.

This includes any of The Specials that are entered.

I'll be with Sybil and Young Sam outside the Palace if there's any chance of an emergency.

 

Good luck,

Vimes

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Do we have a plan for this kind of thing???

Sir,

Runners this morning are:  
 Cheery  
 Carrot  
 Fred Colon  
 Nobby Nobbs  
 Visit  
 Hancock  
 Ping  
 Sally

We’ve got myself, Detritus, Shoe, Dorfl, AE Pessimal, Igor, Downspout, Swires, and Wee Mad Arthur for patrol. Everyone knows their streets and we’ve got people stationed at a couple of the check points.

 

Angua

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Not that I know of unless we use the Riot Plan

 

Thanks Angua, keep me updated on things. Fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong. This is the biggest crowd we’ve dealt with since Koom Valley last year.

 

Vimes

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: Susan Sto Helit  
From: DEATH  
Subject: HAPPY RUNNING TODAY

SUSAN,

I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU ARE RUNNING IN A RACE TODAY. ALBERT EXPLAINED IT TO ME AND THE IDEA OF RUNNING FOR THE SAKE OF RUNNING IS A BIT ODD. HOWEVER, I HOPE YOU DO WELL.

I WILL BE THERE WATCHING.

YOUR GRANDFATHER,  
DEATH

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: P. Stibbons, UUFaculty, UU Student body  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Some of you must run

 

Morning all,

Straight to the point.  
Yes, there is a "fun" run on today.  
Yes, some of you are going to be running.  
Yes, you have to run (or at least move faster than stand-still)  
No, you cannot hide.

Names have been chosen at random by Hex and Mister Stibbons will send out a clacks with the lucky ones' names. I don't want to hear any more complaining about this race, it's a fantastic idea, strengthens your bones and Builds Character. We are the leading University around and we have a Reputation to uphold!

I will be running in the Elite category given that I used to run in the UU's track team. Mister Stibbons and I will be overseeing the checks at the start line to make sure that no magical items are used.

 

Archancelor Ridcully

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: UUFaculty, UU Student body  
CC: M. Ridcully  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Runners

 

The following have been chosen by Hex:  
Professor Rincewind (who has been entered in the Elite Runners category based on his experince and skill at running)  
Greg Montgomery (Runes)  
Lke Forbinz (Geography)  
Doctor Hix (Necromany Post-Mortem Communications)  
Foggy Grimshaw (Doctor Hix's Assistant)  
Llombard Llawson (The exchange student)  
Sven McCaw (Librarian assistant)  
Along with all first year students

 

The rules don't state that you must wear pants but they are recommended. If you wish to wear pants you must provide your own as they go against University dress code and policy.

 

Mister Stibbons

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Motivation

Mister Stibbons,

Yes, I am aware that the student body is not particularly motivated to run today. Please inform them that if every student in a department doesn't finish the race then their annual funding will be halved for the next year, starting the day after the race.

I've got a plan to tackle the rest of the senior faculty too.

 

Archancelor Ridcully

 

PS - I will tackle any problem student or faculty member, literally if necessary

 

\---------- 

 

FAO: UU Student body  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Funding

 

The Archancelor has just informed me that if any first year student doesn't finish the race today, then he will halve their department's funding for the next year.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Stibbons

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: TCap, Trep, TDmCn  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Pretend this is like The Squid Incident

We are not going to have our funding cut. If we want to keep working on that Interdimensional Time Pocket theory we must finish the race. Our budget cannot take another hit, not after last month's accident with the Cabinet and cleaning up the mess that poor Anvil Retribution left on... everywhere and nowhere, we really still aren't sure with that Cabinet.

RUN. RUN FAST. USE YOUR SKILLS. 5 CREDITS TO ANYONE WHO FINISHES.

Stibbons

 

\---------- 

 

FAO: Lecturer in Recent Runes, Senior Wrangler, The Bursar, The Librarian, Chair of Indefinite Studies  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Run or Else

I am fully aware that the last time that a senior wizard ran was before I was Archancelor but by Io you will all run today. Any man who doesn't finish the race will be reduced to three meals a day and only 4 types of cheese.

Yes, four.

 

Hope I see you there,

Ridcully

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: Groat, Bent, Simnel  
From: A. B. Dearheart  
Subject: You Know Who

So,

Moist is running in the marathon today and I know that some of you are too. I am also sure he has some scheme cooked up. I'm not sure what, but I know my fiancé. He's going to run the whole thing, without help and with the shiny gold suit.

Regards,  
Adora Belle Dearheart

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: A. B. Dearheart  
From: M. von Lipwig  
Subject: BUT SPIIIIIIKE

:'(

Do I have to wear the hat too?

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: Marathon (Better than the official) Coverage

The race is off!

Professor Rincewind is off to a great start pulling out a good lead, closely followed by Corporal Sally von Humpeding and Captain Carrot Ironfounderson. The Archancelor of Unseen University is charging along behind them. There's a steady middle pack with some of the more athletic of the Assassin's Guild making great strides. Bringing up the rear are two of the Post Office Gollems, Corporal Nobbs and Sargent Colon.

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: The wizards have crossed the start line!

The Senior Faculty of the UU have just crossed the start line and have now officially started the race. We do believe that the Senior Wrangler may even be wearing trousers!

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: First Arrest

Corporal Littlebottom has just arrested Vic Vaygah for mugging one of the UU students. Mister Vaygah is now disqualified and being escorted from the race by the corporal. He's just been handed over to Sargent Detritus.

 

\-------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: Like Io parting the XXXX Sea

Ms Susan Sto Helit has just passed a dozen of the UU students, who simply split their wall formation and let her through the middle. Ms Sto Helit did not speak directly with any of the students but some on the ground say she said "MOVE" before the students split and allowed her through. Apparently chivalry isn't dead after all.

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: OUR FIRST MURDER

THERE'S BEEN A MURDER ON THE COURSE  
CORPORAL CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM WAS ATTACKED BY A MEMBER OF THE ASSASSINS GUILD AND HAS JUST BEEN CONFIRMED DEAD BY DOCTOR LAWN.  
SARGENT ANGUA JUST PUNCHED LORD DOWNEY! THE CROWD IS BEGINING TO RIOT THERE'S CHAOS THER-

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: What just happened...?

Sorry for the delay people, we aren't sure what happened there.

Please ignore our last clacks. Corporal Littlebottom is alive and running, there is no Assassin's Guild memeber near her. Nothing in that clacks happened.

 

\---------  
\---------

 

FAO: Qu  
From: Lu Tze  
Subject: Timing

Really Qu, you couldn't have found a better time to reboot the system? We don't have the processing power to fix this mess. People think that the Corporal DIED.

This is nearly as bad as that time with Commander Vimes. Or that other time with Emiy Seixe and James Craig and that exploding broomstick. Really Qu. What would the Abbot say?

Lu Tze

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: Water stations

The first runners have just passed the halfway mark and are passing a drink stand. Race officials have asked us to remind runners and the crowd that this is a drink station with water only. There is no food, and definitely no four course meals.

This message is definitely not directed at the UU faculty. 

 

\---------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL

A PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION HAS JUST OPENED AND THERE ARE THINGS WITH TENTICLES AND TOO MANY TEETH ON THE COURSE. THE UU SENIOR FACULTY ARE ATTEMPTING TO SUBDUE THE CREATURES.

Well, they've had to cut across half the track to reach the portal but we won't comment on that. Much.

THERE ARE REPORTS COMING IN THAT MISTER WILLIAM DE WORDE HAS BEEN PICKED UP AND IS BEING WAVED AROUND IN THE AIR. THE CHAIR OF INDEFINITE STUDIES HAS PULLED OUT HIS STAFF AND THE LECTURER IN RECENT RUNES HAS BEGUN DRAWING A BANISHING CIRCLE AROUND THE PORTAL AND THE CREATURES IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONTAIN THE SITUATION. IT'S ALL GOING TO CHAOS nope wait don't worry the Archancelor came back and shot it with his crossbow.

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: UPDATE on the interdimensional portal

SO, the UU got the tenitcle teeth creatures back through their portal and none of the crowd was killed. One of the UU students, Lke Forbinze [Geography] was dragged back through with the creatures.

Race officials are debating whether or not to disqualify the Archchancelor based on the smallish crossbow he had hidden in his hat. Given that he was an important in the fight against the portal creatures, they have just decided to penalise him and let him keep running - as long as he hands over the crossbow.

The Archancelor apparently disagrees strongly with this.

 

\---------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: Race order

The portal disrupted the running order so here is an update:

Coming in last are Corporal Nobbs and Sargent Colon, demonstrating a walk honed by years of patrolling the city. Ahead of them are the Post Office Gollems, unfazed by the commotion up ahead. 

Three of the post office workers and a bank clerk are being followed (chased? We aren't sure which) by Hancock. We think the cutlasses on his back might be motivational.

Ahead of them are students from the Assassins, Thieves, Alchemists, Cunning Artificers, and various other Guilds. Hey, do the shoes the Cunning Artificers are wearing look strange is that just us?

Students from the UU are making surprisingly good time, and have dispersed throughout the race. Ridcully must have lit a fire underneath them

Next clump of runners: Corporal Littlebottom is doing very well, running next to a teacher from the Alchemists Guild. Behind them are Doctor Hix of the UU's Necromancy department, the Librarian, Ping, Visit and Greg Montgomery (Runes student at UU)

Moist von Lipwig has been disqualified on the grounds that riding a horse and delivery mail at the same time to "double post office efficiency by multitasking" is not running under his own steam. He was last seen in his shiny gold suit running away from a large cloud of smoke.

The UU wizards are slowly moving back down through the pack, back to last place. The Archancelor however is making great time and has been allowed to keep his crossbow.

Keeping a steady pace and lead are Sally and Captain Ironfounderson, followed by Ms Sto Helit who has passed even more of the pack. We still aren't sure how she's doing that by the way.

And now with a significant lead is Professor Rincewind, who is streaking along the course. We are told that he is the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geology and his major was Sprinting.

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: smoking_gnu  
Subject: Crowd news

A few people in the crowd have been arrested or taken to the Lady Sybil Free Hospital. A fight broke out between people from Dolly Sisters and Dimwell Old Pals. Two Thieves Guild students were caught sneaking through a shortcut and were disqualified.

 

\---------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: Smoking GNU  
Subject: We have winners!!!

We won't announce them via clacks, we need confirmation first as there was quite a close race for the finish line. Well done all runners and walkers, we'll send a clacks when the UU faculty have finished.

The Better Race Commentators 

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: all_clacks  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: AMCFR results and notices

Good evening,

The race officials have confirmed the race results and I am pleased to announce them:  
Corporal Nobbs won the Nobbs category  
Fourth place went to Captain Carrot Ironfounderson, The Watch  
Third place was Corporal Salacia von Humpeding, The Watch  
Second was Ms Susan Sto Helit,  
And first place by a good hour was Proffesor Rincewind of Unseen University who has set a course record and is "looking for a half brick inna sock, better not have dropped it in the portal."

Congratulations to all winners, prizes will be awarded at The Lady Sybil Free Hospital tomorrow morning. Altogether, a total of $750 was raised in support of the hospital. A few of you were disqualified and you will be barred from next year's marathon. This includes the entire Cunning Artificers Guild student body, as mechanical shoes go against the rules.

I am also told that there is to be a change to the rules for next year's Fun Run based on the success of yesterday.

 

Regards,

Lord Havelock Vetinari

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: The Watch  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: That went pretty well all things considered

Congratulations to Cheery and Carrot! And extra points to Cheery for that arrest.

All of you who ran and patrolled did very well, Sybil tells me she is very proud of the Watch. I think we've got a good idea of how next year is going to go so we'll be better prepared.

 

Cheers  
Vimes

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: DEATH  
From: Susan Sto Helit  
Subject: Thank you Grandfather

Thank you for the clacks, it was much appreciated. I gather you were there for the portal and the Watchman being killed (until the History Monks fixed the glitch)?

Yeah, it's a human thing. We like holding contests to see whose better at what and sometimes there's money involved.

Maybe you could run it next year,

Susan

PS - please get Quoth to leave me alone, or I'll put him in a pet shop. He's disrupting my classes.

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: M. von Lipwig  
From: A. B. Dearheart  
Subject: Really

You can come home you ridiculous man. Why on earth you thought that was a good idea I'll never know.

Also, you need to return Commander Vimes's watch, Ridcully's fishing lures, and the key to the university kitchens you got off that student. The Commander still hasn't forgiven you from last time when you stole his cup.

Yours,  
Spike

 

\---------  
\--------- 

 

FAO: UU Student body, UUFaculty, P. Stibbons  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: YES

Everyone, some important announcements:

Well done on dealing with the portal that opened up, I won't penalise the Geography department because Forbinz was eaten by that thing. The Senior faculty, you will get all 35 types of cheese tonight. 

Thank you to the Chair of Indefinite Studies and the Librarian for keeping an eye on the Bursar and not letting him float off. It's a running race for Io's sake, flying doesn't count man.

PS - Has anyone seen my fishing lures? They were on my hat...

 

Archancelor Ridcully

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: UU Student body  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Funding

First years,

You saved your department's funding! Well, apart from Lke Forbinz who was eaten by the portal monster. Anyone know who his next of kin was? I need to let them know.

 

Rest tomorrow, classes start again on Tuesday.

Mister Stibbons

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: TCap, Trep, TDmCn  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: no I meant the OTHER time with the squid

Well done all of you, although you didn't need to each carry a bottle of milk around with you. I meant the last time with the giant squid not the time that the lactose intolerant squid escaped from the Fauna and Flora Department. Montgomery, Lockwood, please go get those ankles checked at the Lady Sybil. I'm pretty sure that you've broken them.

 

You all get credits,

Stibbons

 

\----------  
\---------- 

 

FAO: city_wide  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: New Rules

The following are the new rules:

 

RULES:  
1\. Entry fee is mandatory and must be paid before the run. All proceeds go to the Lady Sybil Free Hospital  
2\. Murder or sabotage are considered illegal within the race. This applies to the Assassins and Thieves Guilds, and no contracts (pre-existing or otherwise) may be carried out on a competitor  
3\. Bribing race officials isn’t allowed either  
4\. That means you, Mister von Lipwig  
5\. Seriously how did you get the horse into the race?  
6\. Water will be provided at points along the course. Full course meals will not be provided  
7\. Magic, crossbows, or any weaponry will disqualify you, even if it is decorative or you don't intend to use it during the race  
8\. Short cuts are not allowed (unless dealing with  
9\. Broomsticks, magic carpets, horses, gollem horses, mechanical shoes/contraptions, etc do not count as running or walking  
10\. Spectators are allowed to bet on the race, but no help from Mrs Cake  
11\. Don’t ask Mrs Cake about the winners  
12\. Seriously, don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cause why not? This series was half crack to start with and it was fun to write. Also, who organised this marathon to start with? I have not figured it out and I wrote it...
> 
>  
> 
> (I feel cruel for making Vimes read about Cheery dying. I want to cry at the idea of Cheery dying. Makes me think too much about the time Vimes picked up the wrong Disorganiser in (I think it was) Jingo?)


	11. Re: How do they rise up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe I had half of this written back in February? I know, shock and horror I was organised! I think it makes up for being a bit late (and possibly a bit sappy)

FAO: Sargent Colon  
From: Nobbs  
Subject: Today

Mornin Fred  
10 clok good with you?

Nobby

 

¬¬--------- 

 

FAO: Nobby  
From: Sargent Colon  
Subject: Re: Today

Im free now iff you are. I think Reg hedded down erliar?

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Sargent Colon  
From: Nobby  
Subject: Re: Re: Today

Reg went strayt theer with his shuvil.  
You dint need to glear at Moklins for askn for advise on desk thouh neether.

See ya owtside

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Time off

Morning all,

Just a heads up about time off in response to several requests. Usual rules apply whne asking for leave today, same as they always do. I am aware that Sargent Colon, Corporal Nobbs and Corporal Shoe are on duty and not at work. Do not ask them where they’re going. Do not ask about the lilac. Especially do not ask the Commander. This applies every year.

Carry on everyone,  
Sargent Angua

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lady Sybil  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Thank you dear

Morning darling,  
I’m sorry I skipped breakfast with you and Young Sam. There was a break in at the Watch House and then we finally got the man that was graffeting all over the palace walls. Only just made it to Vetinari’s dam meeting on time. Thank you for dropping off the sprig of lilac, I passed some of it on to the others.

Tell Young Sam I’ll be home for dinner – I’ve got his present sitting safe at the Watch House. Cheery helped get the last bits together today. Maybe we could go for a walk after dinner?

Love you both so much,  
Sam

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: You’re most welcome love

Sam,

It’s not a worry. I’m glad to hear you finally caught that man; I know that his artwork has been driving Havelock through the roof. Not that he’ll admit it, of course.

A walk would be wonderful, Young Sam wants to see what kinds of rocks he can find and he can use his present to identify them. We should talk to Corporal Littlebottom about a career in forensics – I know you don’t want him following after you but he’s got a knack for it Sam.

I’m heading off to Quirm for a couple of hours to get some more of that ointment. Lady Eleanor Dorian Fogsworth has finally stopped itching but I want some more just in case and the post won’t take flammable creams. I might talk to Mister Lipwig about that.

I love you Sam, take care today. You’re a great copper and an even better man  
Yours ever,  
Sybil

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: Lady Sybil  
Subject: Dinner?

Morning Havelock,

Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? Young Sam misses his Uncle Havelock and Sam and I would enjoy catching up with you too. He also wants to try a new Thud strategy out on you.

Keep well,  
Sybil

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lady Sybil  
From: Lord Vetinari  
Subject: Of course

Dear Sybil,

Of course, I’d be delighted to join you for dinner. I’ll make sure the committee wraps up before seven.

Young Sam’s been practicing? Please tell him I look forward to his latest challenge and wish him a happy birthday from me.

Take care today,  
Yours ever,

Havelock

 

PS – I would ask you to pass my regards on to Sam but the man spent the entire meeting this morning making jokes about the pictures on the palace walls. He’s good, but not as subtle as he thinks he is – I thought Lord Richard was going to faint. A good start to the day I think.

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: The Watch  
From: Detritus  
Subject: Spoon

I fink Noby has lef hs spoon in the brakrroom agayn. De otha spoons, deyve all turrnd blak nd Corpral Litlbottm mayd it veree cleah abot Intapursanel Hijean.

If yu see Nobby plees tell him hiss spoon is dere

Detritus

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Deacon@smallgods.grav.am  
From: Legitimate First   
Subject: Reg Shoe

Deacon sir,  
we ‘preciate your Open Mindedness wot with Corpral Shoe but it is his grave he can visit it any time and if he wants to hop in it in the day time he can. Otherwise Sargent Colon and Corpral Nobbs says you can “shove it where the sun dont shine.”

I think that’s sumwhere near Slice???

Leggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, I was rereading Night Watch the other day and realised that Young Sam's birthday is also the 25th of May. I don't know if you lovelies had realised but it just hit me. Hard. I decided I wanted to celebrate Young Sam being born as well as Treacle Mine Road.
> 
> Points to whoever picked up on the Brooklyn 99 reference and Vetinari's subtle joke :D
> 
> How are you all? I hope you're doing well xx


	12. Re: The Big Bad Patrician

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of this at the start of last month and couldn't let the idea go. I am so sorry, I'll see myself out
> 
> Unbeta'd and there might have been more typos than normal sorry guys - it's winter here and my hands are (permanently) frozen and it's making it hard to type. If there's anything obvious, sing out please?

FAO: S. Vimes, M. Ridcully, M. Lipwig  
From: The Big Bad Patrician  
Subject: What’s the sitch?

So here’s the sitch: someone has hacked my clacks account. You’ll notice they’ve changed the name and address.

I want to know who did it and how. Before lunch.

 

#YOLO  
Vetinari

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: S. Vimes  
From: Lord Virginity  
Subject: Watch Involvement

Vimes,

Do you have anyone who has the skills to alter clacks messages and accounts? Or who might know who does have the necessary skills? I have confidence that you and your people can handle this with discretion. Only those addressed in my previous clacks know of this disruption.

 

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet,  
Vetinari

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Minions, Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: His Lordship’s clacks

Minions

Somebody is messing with Lord Vetinari’s clacks messages. We need to find out who it is now. He has an important appointment with the Ambassador of Howondaland via clacks at noon today and we cannot afford such a disaster.

Firstly, you will audit each other according to the attached list. After that we will move on to the most likely suspects. Refuse to be audited and I’ll ask Mr A. E. Pessimal to do it instead.

 

Report back asap  
Drumknott

(If you need me I will be preparing the Emergency Crossword Stockpile)

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Re: Watch Involvement

Your Lordship,

Don’t know of anyone good with clacks, but Inspector Pessimal might be able to find something. Sargent Angua will keep an ear to the ground. I’ll keep you updated.

 

Going to ignore that last bit,

Commander Vimes

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: You-Know-Sparkly-Who

No evidence, please keep an eye on him just in case

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Your Lordship…

I must say this is most unusual and greatly disturbing

 

That said, I shall have Mister Stibbons investigate the students and I shall speak to the faculty. I believe that we do run a small Technomancy program here, an experimental course in mixing today’s Technology with magic.

 

Sincere regards,

Archancelor Ridcully

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: So I’m not imagining things?

No one here could do that, your Lordship. None of the drivers care about the clacks, and there aren’t enough numbers involved to interest the clerks. And the Post? For Offler’s sake, some of the staff won’t even READ a clacks that’s addressed to them. Three missed weddings and two dead grannies and still nope. Mr Groat says it’s about Pride and it’s Not How We Do Things At The Post Office.

I’ll keep an ear out for anything sir. Got an idea but it might just be smoke.

Moist von Lipwig

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: smoking_GNU  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Lord V’s clacks

Hey guys, have you seen what’s happening with Vetinari’s clackses? Got any idea how we can find out who’s doing it? Take as long as you need, then another twenty minutes on top of that.

No, seriously.  
Lipwig

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: S. Vimes, M. Lipwig, M. Ridcully  
From: V-Dog  
Subject: Progress Report

 

It is 11 o’clock and I would like a progress report from each of you.

 

Secretly a vampire,  
Lord Vladinari the Impaler

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: R. Drumkott  
Subject: Nothing to report

Your Lordship,

All of the minions have been audited and checked out clean. We are currently investigating Mr von Lipwig, a couple of members of the Cunning Artificers Guild and beginning to go through the Clacks Workers.

 

Sincerely,  
R. Drumknott

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: Nope nope and more nope

Turns out my idea wasn’t smoke, apparently if you can intercept a clacks you can alter it. Thing is, you need to catch the message between towers and in daylight that’s dam near impossible, in theory.

Cheers,  
Lipwig

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: M. Ridcully  
Subject: Re: Progress report

Your Lordship,

Mister Stibbons says that the Technomancy students all check out. Something about being awake before noon and not enough funding, I don’t know. Still working through the rest of the student body.

Will get back to you about the faculty after Post-Morning-Tea Snack

 

Archancellor Ridcully

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Lord Vetinari  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Re: Progress Report

Sir,

We have subtly investigated all the towers around the palace but we’ve found no sign of any tampering or anyone who might have the motives to do this. The crews on shift seem to self-police and we nearly had a small riot when Sargent Colon suggested that maybe they’d damage their own towers in order to interfere with the clacks.

 

Commander Vimes

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Adrian@students.uu.am   
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: Hey Ponder…

Have you worked on Hex lately? I set some calculations to run last night and they should be done by now but Hex just keeps printing

LET’S PLAY A GAME. WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A GAME. LET’S PLAY A GAME. WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A GAME. LET’S PLAY A GAME. WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A GAME. LET’S PL… 

Ya get the picture. This your project or what?? Cause I booked Hex time and everything.

Laters, Adrian

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: S. Vimes, M. Lipwig, M. Ridcully  
From: Dark Lord Vetinari  
Subject: 11:30

You have half an hour.

Someone find me a white fluffy cat,  
V for Vendetta

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: M. Ridcully, Lord Vetinari  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: WE GOT HIM

SIRS WE CAUGHT THE ONE WHO HACKED HIS LORDSHIP’S CLACKS AND HE’S CURRENTLY IN WATCH CUSTODY IT WAS THE ASSISTANT PROFESSOR THAT WROTE THAT PAPER ON HOW DEMOCRACY WOULD BENEFIT ANKH-MORPORK AND WAS TURNED DOWN BY THE GRANT COMMITY BECAUSE THEY “WERE VETINARI’S LITTLE MINIONS” YOU KNOW THE ONE ANYWAY WE REBOOTED AND DE-CRICKETED HEX AND THE CLACKS SHOULD BE FIXED NOW

HEX WON’T STOP IT WITH THE CAPITAL LETTER BUT WE’RE 95% CERTAIN THAT IT’S CONFINED TO THE UNIVERSITY’S CLACKS SYSTEM.

 

REGARDS,

PONDER STIBBONS

 

\---------   
\--------- 

 

FAO: A. B. Dearheart  
From: M. Lipwig  
Subject: If I asked very nicely

Do you think they’d let me change my clacks name and address? Something a little more… shiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly but surely turning the clacks into an email provider and I'm pretty sure it works more like a telegram but we're never told that you can't have a clacks account so there. I just wanted an excuse to use as many different names for Vetinari as possible
> 
> I can't remember if I told you guys, my tumblr is @reservoirdags if you want to give me a yell


	13. Re: Intern Trial Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minions because reasons

FAO: Minions, Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Intern Trial Day

Morning everyone,

Please remember that today we are trialling candidates for the vacant roles in both the Standard and Dark departments. You are required to be on your best behaviour (this includes you, Minion #27) and to act professionally. You will be responsible for showing your assigned intern candidates:  
\- Their potential roles and responsibilities  
\- Which cupboards they can keep food in in the breakroom  
\- Which filing cabinets they will be using during their trial  
\- Which paperclips they are allowed to use  
\- What the appropriate dress code is  
\- Make sure they are highly skilled at accounting, stenography, report writing, auditing  
\- Make sure they are well trained in filing, stapler use

I will be auditing the Spare Stationary Cupboard at the end of the day to ensure that all supplies are accounted for. I expect a high standard of professionalism, especially as His Lordship is very interested in who we take on as Dark Interns.

 

I shall see you all tomorrow,

R. Drumknott

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: R. Drumknott  
From: Dark Minions  
Subject: Can we show them???

Sir,

You know the thing? The thing thing, the one we keep in the thing and don’t talk about outside of times we need to use the thing? The thing that technically makes us Dark Minions as opposed to standard Minions?

Can our interns see that or is that above their clearance? We know that some of our interns are actually standard Minions on trial for a Dark Internship so they kinda already know that the thing exists.

 

Live long and prosper,

Dark Minions

 

\--------- 

 

FAO: Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Showing the thing to those without clearance is a fireable offence

There’s a reason that you operate as an unknown subset of His Lordship’s clerical staff, and that’s because your job is to do the shadow work. You are not “Dark Minions” because your work place dress code mainly consists of black.

You may not show them the thing, but you can show them the other thing. That’s within their clearance and will give them an idea of what kind of work is involved when you reach your clearance level. They probably need some extra warning about the spare manila folder, however.

 

Drumknott

PS – Please sign off your clacks professionally today at the very least.

 

\---------

\---------- 

 

FAO: Minions, Dark Minions  
From: R. Drumknott  
Subject: Next Intern Trial Day

In light of the events of this Intern Trial Day, I have updated you list of responsibilities and rules.

You are required to be on your best behaviour and to act professionally. You will be responsible for showing your assigned intern candidates:  
\- Their potential roles and responsibilities  
\- Which cupboards they can keep food in in the breakroom  
\- Which filing cabinets they will be using during their trial  
\- Which filing cabinets they should not approach unless wearing the Amulet given to us by Mrs Cake  
\- Retrieving them when they inevitably approach the filing cabinets without the Amulet  
\- Which paperclips they are allowed to use  
\- How not to use paperclips in excess  
\- What the appropriate dress code is  
\- Make sure they are highly skilled at accounting, stenography, report writing, auditing  
\- Make sure they are well trained in filing, stapler use  
\- Have basic first aid training in case of stapler incidents

I will again be auditing the Spare Stationary Cupboard at the end of the day – whoever put the #5 ink pot on the third shelf instead of the fourth, please see me in my office tomorrow morning for further training.

Dark Minions – next time please don’t warn your interns about the spare manila folder by daring them to lick it. Please don’t lick government property. Especially not that bit.

Overall, well done everyone (except for you Minion #27. We have Rules about decaf.)

 

Your Overlord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got an apology for you lovelies - I went through and cleaned up chapter 10 and all my drafting notes in it. I'm sorry about that, I don't have a beta and don't always realise I've missed things. It should read a lot nicer now :) feel free to point out anything that looks like it shouldn't be there
> 
> Is there any particular characters/ideas that you lovelies would like to see? The Disc is just such a huge world to work with and sometimes it's hard to know if there's a grouping that people want to see. My tumblr is @reservoirdags - no promises to write every prompt or idea but if I like something I'll definitely have a go.
> 
> How are you all anyway? I'm currently job hunting and missing my cat (she lives with my parents and is so far away)


	14. Re: Wish List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What better way to kick off than clacks' to the Hogfather?

FAO: The Hogfather  
From: Young Sam Vimes  
Subject: Wish list

Dear Mr Hogfather,

For Hogswatch this year, can I please have a new box for ~~colectting~~ ~~collicting~~ keeping my rocks in? I have run out of room and I was wondering if you had a really good box with little compartments and a lid and everything so that way I can keep them ~~orginized~~ ~~orgganised~~ ~~organissed~~ in the right places.

Could I also please have a new magnifying glass? I know you got me one last year but I accidentally dropped it down the drain trying to look at some slime.

Thank you very much,

Young Sam

\---------  
\---------

FAO: The Hogfather  
From: Hex  
Subject: +++ My Hogswatch Wish List +++

+++ Dear Hogfather +++ For Hogswatch I Would Like A Friend For My Fluffy Teddy Bear +++ A Large Decorated Opera Fan +++ Some Googly Eyes For The Ram Skulls +++ Thank You Hogfather +++

\---------

FAO: P. Stibbons  
From: A. Turnipseed  
Subject: What's up with Hex???????

Yo seriously Hex is writing a letter to the Hogfather? Since when did he believe in the Hogfather? _Can_ he believe?

Adrian

P.S. tell me what you want for Hogswatch or I'm just getting you a new clipboard and pencils

\---------

FAO: A. Turnipseed  
From: P. Stibbons  
Subject: It's completely normal

Hex does this every year, ever since that thing with the excess belief and Death being the Hogfather remember. Death spoke to Hex and we aren't sure what he said but we do know that Hex has dedicated some of his long term storage to... something. We uh, don't _actually_ know just yet. Hex won't tell us.

Do let me know what's on his wish list though and write it down in the HHWL book (Hex's Hogswatch Wish List if you don't remember). He's not allowed a mouse wheel.

 

Regards,

Stibbons

 

P.S. An excuse to get out of Hogwatch dinner would be great but the clipboard and pencils are definitely acceptable.

P.P.S. Literally any excuse. The faculty like giving speeches between courses.

\---------

\--------- 

FAO: The Hogfather  
From: Rincewind  
Subject: this probably won't even work

Could I please have a half brick in a sock? I broke my last ones somewhere in Sto Lat and was running too fast to see where I left it. Bloody useless it was too, sock had holes in it and the brick kept falling out.

Rincewind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Happy Hogswatch everyone!
> 
> So, fun story time: I haven't been updating because I have been job hunting and I have finally gotten a job!!! So now my life is a little calmer and I have the next five days off, I have time to write.
> 
> I currently have about eightish ideas for chapters and if you have any requests, now is the time because this is my Hogswatch gift to all of you. I am so dam lucky to have such amazing readers like you and it makes me so stupidly happy knowing that you've gotten something out of what I've written. Seriously, it means a hell of a lot. I'll try and fill anything Hogswatchy that you send my way, and anything non-Hogswatchy I will save for a later date :)
> 
> So with that, go forth! I hope you enjoy


	15. Re: Hogswatch gift for Our Hag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feegles!

FAO: Kelda of Long Lake  
From: Kelda of the Chalk  
Subject: Hogswatch gift for Our Hag

Kelda Kia

My clan are lookin for a present for our Big Wee Hag for Hogswatch. Our Hag does lotsa writin and I was thinking if ye could get us some of that real fancy paper and ink that Micro Jim stole that time? We’ll trade ye three ships for it.

Kelda Jeannie

\--------- 

FAO: Kelda of the Chalk  
From: Kelda of Long Lake  
Subject: why the crivens are ye getting giffs for a Bigjob?

Kelda Jeannie

I ken the stuffs yer talkin about, the stuffs that has them blue lines round the edges? I sent Loud Angus and summa the boys off tae get it. They should be at yers tonight.

The ships will go down good, but crivens a Bigjob? Really Jeannie, an she’s a hag too.

Kelda Kia

\--------- 

FAO: Kelda of Long Lake  
From: Kelda of the Chalk  
Subject: Re: why the crivens are ye getting giffs for a Bigjob?

Because she’s OUR Hag.

\---------   
\--------- 

FAO: Kelda  
From: ЯOB NybOD  
Subject: we foond one a them clax things!  
Jeannie we foond the tuppintyn but we dinnae ken how many bottles tae get. Th Big Wee Hag int keen on us stealin so’s we wer thinkin mebbe threee? This claxs thingy s pretty dam neat hoow it send the wordys farway

\--------- 

FAO: Rob Anybody  
From: Kelda  
Subject: git out of the clacks place ye muddlin

I am tapping my feets Rob Anybody. Get just the one bottle, she dinnae use it like her Granny Aching. She will nae ken ye stole it if ye dinnae tell her ye stole it from another villigge. Tell Daft Wullie and Big Yan to git themselfs back fast with ye, an steal some colurful paper on the way. Wullie, no wailing neither.

Jeannie

Ps Rob Im real proud o ye writin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rob Anybody writing and reading? Bit of a longshot but I think Jeannie's been Kelda long enough that Rob would be vaguely literate even if the rest of the clan wasn't. The Nac Mac Feegle are also very possessive of their hag and will literally fight you


	16. Re: Are you the Hogfather?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on chapter 13, Jess requested more Susan and Death - I hope you enjoy and had a good Hogswatch :)

FAO: DEATH  
From: S. Sto Helit  
Subject: I'll come to lunch if nothing weird happens tonight

Dear Grandfather, 

Are you going to be the Hogfather again this year? I have school reports to do and don't want to be dragged into anything (especially if Albert is being Albert).

I've left your Hogswatch present in your study, I hope you'll like her. Albert doesn't but he's being more Albert than usual. Give Binky some sugar cubes from me and have a good night.

Love, Susan

\--------- 

FAO: S. Sto Helit  
From: DEATH  
Subject: I LOOK FORWARD TO LUNCH

DEAR SUSAN,

I STILL HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. IF I DO I WILL TRY TO LEAVE YOU TO YOUR REPORTS BUT BINKY DOES LIKE TO VISIT. I WOULD ALSO LIKE A CHANGE AND SOME "FUN".

I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING MY PRESENT. DO NOT MIND ALBERT, HE NEVER SEEMS TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH AS MOST MORTALS LIKE TO DO. HE ALSO DOES NOT WANT TO WEAR THE FUZZY ANTLERS TONIGHT AND IS BEING ALBERT ABOUT IT.

I WILL LET YOU KNOW MY DECISION, 

YOUR GRANDFATHER,  
DEATH

\--------- 

FAO: DEATH  
From: S. Sto Helit  
Subject: Are you the Hogfather?

So, Hogfather yay or nay?

 

\---------- 

FAO: S. Sto Helit  
From: DEATH  
Subject: I AM DEATH

THERE IS AWLAYS A HOGFATHER

\--------- 

FAO: DEATH  
From: S. Sto Helit  
Subject: Yes I know that

But are you the Hogfather tonight?

\--------- 

FAO: S. Sto Helit  
From: DEATH  
Subject: JUST MAKING SURE

I’M NOT NOT THE HOGFATHER TONIGHT

\--------- 

FAO: DEATH  
From: S. Sto Helit  
Subject: Gods dammit

I’m not getting my reports done tonight am I?

\--------- 

FAO: S. Sto Helit  
From: DEATH  
Subject: BRING THEM WITH YOU

TIME IS ALWAYS RELATIVE, ESPECIALLY ON NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT.YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

\--------- 

FAO: DEATH  
From: S. Sto Helit  
Subject: Very true. They’re pretty boring anyway

What does that make you then? The Deathfather? Hogdeath? Also - one of my students, Elizabeth Nettles II wants and is not allowed a real sword. Not till next year.

See you, Binky and the Death of Rats soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had plans! I had drafts! I had no intention of falling asleep on my flatmate and then spending the next two days doing housework... So all my pre-Hogwatch and actual Hogswatch posting will now be done post-Hogswatch because gods forbid I ever stick to a schedule.
> 
> If anyone knows how to reliably format a word doc for ao3, please give me a yell! I am this close to crying right now


	17. Re: Watch Hogswatch Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to go to the Watch's Hogswatch party and I don't even like parties

FAO: The Watch  
From: S. Vimes  
Subject: Hogswatch party tonight

Morning all,

You're allowed to have the Hogswatch party at the station as requested but for the love of Io, try not to repeat The Incidient With The Tinsel And Handcuffs. It took too dam long to get the glitter out of everything.

I also need volunteers to take the night watch and miss the party. Criminals won't ever care that it's Hogswatch. Please give your names to Sargent Angua by this afternoon.

If you need me, I'm having dinner with Sybil and Young Sam.

 

Commander Vimes

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Sargent Detritus  
Subject: vollunters

Sarjent, I will volantur forr th nite shyft tonnigt iff you need me.

Detritus

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Sargent Littlebottom  
Subject: Conditions

I'll take the night watch only if I'm allowed to wear the antlers and tinsel with my uniform. Those are my conditions.

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Littlebottom  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Re: Conditions

Come on Cheri you know you can't wear the tinsel on patrol!

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Sargent Littlebottom  
Subject: If I can't wear my tinsel then you have to wear the pompom hat I made you

Mister Vimes didn't say I couldn't.

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Littlebottom  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: He didn't say anything cauSE YOU SNUCK OUT WITHOUT HIM SEEING YOU

We're not supposed to be sparkly while trying to be stealthy on night patrols. Otherwise I would wear the hat cause gods dammit that wool is so soft! It's all fluffy on my ears I love it so much :)

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Corporal Littlebottom  
Subject: It's made of possum and merino that's why

If I can sneak out on patrol without Mister Vimes noticing my sparkly tinsel in broad daylight, then it's stealthy enough for night patrol. You know you're gonna wear the hat under your helmet too

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Littlebottom  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: You have a good point

Okay you can wear the tinsel you weirdo :) see you for lunch?

\--------- 

FAO: Sargent Angua  
From: Corporal Swires  
Subject: Night Patrol

Sargent,

Do you need any wings on tonight? Owl eyes could be useful since we're gonna be shorthanded, just give me a clacks.

Over and out,

Buggy and Morag

\--------- 

FAO: The Watch  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Volunteers

Afternoon all,

Current volenteers for the night are as follows:  
 Cheri  
 Cheri's tinsel  
 Detritus  
 Buggy  
 Sally  
 Hancock  
 E. Pessimal  
 Myself

Everyone else is free to enjoy the Hogswatch party and if one of you saves me a piece of pudding I'll take your post-Hogswatch shift.

Cheers,  
Angua

\--------- 

FAO: The Watch  
From: Igor, Corporal Nobbs, Corporal Von Humpeding  
Subject: HOGSWATCH PARTY SUPPLIES

So, listen up everyone!

To avoid a repeat of last year (there is such a thing as too much cocoa), we have decided to plan a litht.

We need:  
Food - savoury stuff  
Food - thweet stuff  
Alcohol - bring your own  
Decorations - Dorfl is bringing a tree!!! :D  
Extra plates and cups  
Thecret Hogfather prethentth  
A safe way home

We are setting up at 6:30pm and recruits you will be helping.

Happy Hogswatch all! See you from seven o'clock onwards :DDD

\--------- 

FAO: Corporal Von Humpeding  
From: Sargent Angua  
Subject: Re: HOGSWATCH PARTY SUPPLIES

Hey Sal,

Don't forget to bring something to give to Foul Ole Ron and Co. They usually come carolling around 10 and won't leave until you give them something. Food or drink works best. Male sure to grab something now cause last year we forgot and had to donate all Fred's beer and some glitter before they left.

Have fun, Angua

P.S. If you forget you can probably just give them Fred's beer again. He won't realise if you tell him he's already drank it all, he'll just share with Nobby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when you realise you've been spelling Cheri's name wrong and calling her Corporal when she's been Sargent since before Thud! *headdesk* I'll go back though and tweak everything when it isn't arse-o'clock at night (12:31am)
> 
> Everything from this point will probably be on Hogswatch day


End file.
